I picked up the clothes and hurried back downstairs before Touya could do anything to N. My hand hovered protectively over my pocket as I hurried back down to the first floor, as if someone was going to jump out at me and expose the condoms in my pocket.
My initial plan was to rush into the kitchen; however, as I approached it, I heard Touya's hushed voice. He was talking to N quietly. I stopped myself and sat against the wall, drawing my knees to my chest as I strained to hear what they were saying.
Is he talking about me? I thought. I was extremely curious, but also a bit worried. Whatever he was talking about must not be for my ears, but I couldn't stop myself. Didn't I have the right to know if they were talking about me or not?
"Like I said," Touya murmured. "You don't have to worry about me and Touko."
"But you two are so close
" N trailed off.
I hugged the clothes closer to my chest as I felt my heart break. He sounded so helpless.
"She's like my little sister," Touya explained simply. "I'll do anything for her, I love her. But it's not like that. That's why I'm telling you this."
Telling him this? Telling him what? I waited for N's reply, but it never came.
Touya carried on. "When you were gone, she was completely miserable. I have every reason to beat the crap out of you, but I won't. Because I know you make her happy, and it'll make her mad." He paused. "She's scary when she's mad."
"She was miserable?" N whispered, ignoring Touya's small threat.
I didn't hear Touya's answer, but I assumed that he nodded. "And I know she makes you happy. So why haven't you done anything yet?"
"Done anything?" N echoed.
"Why haven't you kissed her? Make her feel beautiful, she's a wreck! She deserves the best, and if you don't give her that, then you can't have her." Touya said fiercely.
I felt so fragile at that moment. There was just something about Touya's words that implied that I needed to be held and kissed to be happy.
I shrugged. He could be right, but then again, my inner woman was screaming at me not to believe it.
"But," N mumbled, and I could almost picture him looking down. "I have."
I bit down hard on my nail.
That caught Touya by surprise. "You've what?"
"I've kissed her." N said quietly.
you have?" He spluttered. "So are you guys, like, official?"
"Official?" N questioned.
Of course he wouldn't know what that mean. I was actually glad that N was able to show a portion of his cluelessness to Touya. It would give him an idea of exactly what I was dealing with.
"Together. Like boyfriend and girlfriend." Touya specified slowly.
I know it's stupid, but that one word hurt me. He didn't say it sadly or regrettably, he just stated it coldly. I guess I just wished that he would be bothered about it.
"Why the hell not?" Touya snapped. "You kiss her and you leave her hanging?"
I mean, I don't know." I heard N shift. "She's taking a long time up there." He changed the subject.
"My room's dirty." Touya lied smoothly. "She's probably cleaning it or something."
"Why would she do that?" N asked in alarm.
"Because she's stupid," Touya said loudly, suggestively.
My hand flew to my mouth, muffling my gasp. The idiot knew I was here.
"She's not," N muttered, oblivious. "She already doesn't think highly of herself. I don't know why, though. She's wonderful."
"Yeah?" Touya said in interest. "What else?"
He was goading N on. Somehow, Touya knew I was listening and now he was getting N to say all these things he wouldn't say if I was here. I didn't know Touya could be deceiving, but I guess there are a lot of things about my boys that I didn't know about.
"She thinks she's ugly," N muttered in disgust. "But she's not."
"So you think she's pretty." Touya stated.
I brushed my lips with my fingertips as the butterflies in my stomach went crazy. Granted, he's already said that to me quite a few times, but he never said it so directly before. It actually did make me feel beautiful for a second.
There was a pause. "Then
why don't you tell her that?" Touya questioned.
"She won't believe me." N answered sadly.
I heard Touya jump off the chair. "N, there's something about girls that you need to know. They're liars."
My anger skyrocketed. Was Touya now trying to gain a reaction from me?
"They may tell you that they don't want you saying those things, but they're lying. That's what they want the most; and Touko's no different." He explained.
I pursed my lips as I thought over his reasoning. When N tried to convince me that night, I viciously denied everything he said. I didn't want him saying it. I have built up so many walls around myself that I can't even allow someone to compliment me without thinking that they're lying. I'm screwed up, and N knew it. Everyone knew it. Touya even called me a wreck.
I've been thinking all of this time that N was the one who was messed up, who was the one who needed help. But that's not the whole thing; I needed help, too. I just couldn't accept it.
It's not that I couldn't accept it, I wouldn't accept it.
I don't think I deserve to be called beautiful.
"You don't understand," N's distressed voice broke through my thoughts. "I try to tell her. She doesn't believe me."
I jumped as someone slammed their fist against the table.
"I do!" N hissed, "She won't believe me! I wish there were some way I could make her understand
"Make her understand what?" Touya said quickly.
The room was silent. I dug my nails into my palms as I stared at the ground, waiting. A part of me felt guilty for listening, since I was intruding on N's secrets. But I was also hurt at the same time. I've been with him all this time and he's never opened up so easily to me before. Maybe it was because N was more comfortable talking with a guy?
"How... how I feel about her."
I was shaking now.
"And that is
?" Touya pushed.
Touya, God bless him.
"I think I love her." N murmured.
I love you, too. I thought through my tears. I always have.
"There you have it." Touya declared. I knew he was talking to me.
Does N even know what love is? I don't know, neither do I care. He thinks he does, and that's good enough for me. I wiped the tears and tried to stop crying, but whenever I thought of it, the tears continued to flow.
did you get to second base yet?" Touya asked.
Okay, jerk. This was my cue to come back. I sucked in a deep breath and scrambled to my feet, supporting myself with the wall. I wiped my eyes one last time before walking into the kitchen.
They both looked at me quickly, although N was the only one with an alarmed expression. Touya just stared at me, his eye brows raised expectantly and his palms out, as if he was saying, did I do good?
I threw the clothes at his face. "Put them on."
His face fell, but he reluctantly did as I said. I looked away modestly. I desperately wanted to hug him, but I knew it would look suspicious. I wasn't supposed to have heard what they were saying. Even if Touya knew, hell, he might have even planned it that way, N didn't. And I wasn't going to embarrass him.
"Can you get the GameCube out from under the TV and hook it up?" Touya asked, pulling up his pants. "You can look now, even though I wasn't showing anything bad to begin with."
"You know you repulse me," I muttered.
"At least I'm not two feet tall," He shot back. "I'm glad I can reach the top of the fridge."
"I'm not short!" I spat indignantly. "Just because you're a tall freak doesn't mean I'm short."
"Whatever you say, idiot. Still, can you get it out?"
"Why?" I complained. "I hate having to bend over the TV
" It's true. I could never see where the cords were supposed to go, and I could never reach the right places. It just frustrated me.
Touya snorted and started laughing. "You'll like it soon enough." He gasped.
What? I'll like hooking it up soon enough? I
I'll like bending over soon enough.
"You're an asshole." I muttered, blushing. I was thankful N didn't get it. He was just sitting there, his eyes flickering between the two of us a bit worriedly. He probably didn't understand that we were joking around.
"Fine," I muttered, looking down. "I'll go hook it up. But you have to feed me."
"You really think I wouldn't? N's already offered to help me cook. You just need to sit around and let us do everything." Touya said happily, going over to the fridge. "Just make sure to get the game on. I want to play N."
Did N even know how to play video games? I highly doubted it. It's not like he had a normal childhood where video games would have been something he often played, like Touya and I. We were always so competitive. N didn't seem like that kind of person.
I was just about to voice my opinion when N excitedly jumped in, "Do you have Mario Kart?"
Touya nodded, "Of course!"
N's jaw dropped, "I haven't played that in forever! I'd love to play you."
"Great! Touko plays winner!" Touya shouted, nearly throwing the groceries on the table. "This is going to be great."
The testosterone in the kitchen was mind boggling. I shook my head, irritated that my original theory about N was wrong. Who knew he liked video games? I began to make my escape into the living room.
"Nice sweats," Touya commented.
"Thanks," I said, not turning around. "They're yours."
I had already left the kitchen when I heard Touya say, "See N? She was cleaning my room."
It was just so ridiculous that I had to laugh. Even though the night started out on the wrong foot, someone up there decided to start being nice to me.
N was mine. Even if nothing happens between us for weeks, he still loved me. And I was content with that. For now.
I sat between the two boys on the couch as they battled it out. Both were leaning forward and were gripping the controllers tightly, with Touya cursing every so often.
I had to break them up quite a few times, as Touya would get irritated and try to smack the controller out of N's hands. This would cause a mini fight between the two of them as they flailed their hands blindly, trying to hit one another while still keeping their eyes on the screen. That's why I was sitting between them now.
At first, I was worried that their little fits would bring back some harsh memories for N. But he didn't seem fazed at all. He was happy.
"No!" Touya groaned, jumping up and throwing the controller on the ground. "You cheated!"
"I did not!" N shot back, "You just fail."
"Rematch!" Touya growled.
"Hey!" I shouted, sitting up. "You said I play winner."
N smiled, "You did."
Touya muttered something unintelligible and passed me the controller, sitting down beside me again.
He whispered into my ear, "I let him win."
I didn't know whether to believe him or not. He could have been lying, but I don't know. I honestly didn't think N would win, so maybe Touya was telling the truth.
A few minutes later, N had totally beaten the crap out of me.
"You did not let him win." I pouted, sinking back into the couch.
"Yeah," Touya said sadly. "You're right."
N had the biggest smile on his face, and I couldn't stay upset for long. His happiness always rubbed off on me. I sighed and lay my head back, staring at the ceiling. Touya and N did the same, and we were all squished together on the couch looking up.
I felt completely blissful. I was with my two favorite people, and we all were okay with each other. I also had seen another side of N tonight; the normal side. The competitive, video game loving boy he was.
Sure, his love of video games probably derived from the fact that he was stuck in his room all day with a GameCube, but still. Maybe he'd start coming over here normally to see Touya? Hopefully they could become good friends.
Even though Touya had done a lot of good things for me that night, I still had a score to settle with him. Answering the door almost naked, for one, not to mention the condoms (four of which were still in my pocket). To add onto that, he was also getting quite comfortable with sexual innuendos.
N was laying to my right, his body pressed against mine. He felt so warm, and I had to resist the urge to snuggle up with him. I could feel the hard muscles on his arm, which weren't big, but were quite prominent. Like I said before, he wasn't too buff. But that was okay.
I didn't like extremely buff guys, anyway.
I had forgotten all about his problems tonight. He had acted so normal, as if he was recovered. Maybe I was doing something right.
This position we were all in reminded me of a much simpler time. If we were children, we would see nothing wrong with being pushed together on the couch. But with me almost being suffocated between the two guys, I instantly thought of something dirty. I couldn't help it.
It made it all the more harder not to attack N, but I think I managed fairly well. I kept my breath even and I tried to act normal, even if my heart was fluttering and his closeness made me feel hot. Touya didn't make me feel that way at all. There would be times where he'd sit on me as if it was perfectly okay. He'd ignore my protests and continue to suffocate me under his weight.
Touya tensed a little, and I could feel him pushing me towards N. It was as if he lived off of making me uncomfortable.
N lifted his arm and I was pushed closer to him. He laid his arm over the top of the couch, behind my head. I was blushing like crazy now, and I peeked over at Touya. He had a big smile on his face, he looked so stupid, almost intoxicated.
He put me in an extremely awkward position, and I couldn't move out of it, because Touya trapped me in. N didn't seem uncomfortable at all.
I needed to get Touya back, but I was unable to do anything while being trapped here. I tried to think of something, but I came up blank.
Well, there was one thing. But I wasn't sure if I wanted to do it, in fear of making myself look like an idiot as well. I'm sure it was brought on by the fact that my body was pretty much molded into N's, and that I wanted it, too.
Still, it was worth a shot. I was already shaking long before I did anything, which made me anxious. I was worried about the outcome, but I was motivated by my need to get Touya back and my want for N.
If Touya wanted sexual, I'd give him sexual.
I slowly rolled onto N, my chest pressing against his. Touya rolled in to the spot I left behind. N's eyes were wide, but he didn't do anything to stop me as I wrapped my hands around the back of his head and forced his lips open with mine.
He breathed in sharply and jerked his head back a little, but before I could feel rejected, he closed his eyes and returned my kiss. I smiled against his lips as he placed his hands on my back, pulling me closer to him.
It felt so right to be in his arms. I pressed my forehead against his briefly and he opened his eyes, making eye contact with me. We both smiled and continued to kiss each other softly.
Touya had his hands behind his head and continued to sit there, "Get some." He said approvingly.
I didn't let it bother me that it didn't make him uncomfortable. I wasn't worried about that anymore. I was with N, and it felt like we were here alone in our own little world.
N removed a hand from my back and wiped a stray lock of hair away from my face, "You're so beautiful." He whispered.
And this time, I believed him.